Get My Life Back Project

I'm so tired. I feel like my life is going in circles and has been for years and it is all I can do to just color in the lines.

Posted in: on Thursday, June 17, 2010 at at 11:58 PM 0 comments  

To live in perpetual want of little things is a state, not indeed of torture, but of constant vexation.
Samuel Johnson


~I know this well~

Posted in: on at at 11:50 PM 0 comments  

I'm not exactly sliding backward, but feel as though I'm floundering around a bit, not sure what to do next. Not meeting all my daily goals, but more than half. Not lost anymore weight, but not gained any back either. All the memories that journaling has stirred up are still circling like storm clouds, not sure how to deal with them. Still haven't talked to therapist about them yet, our last session centered around my brother being there because I wanted somebody to know and understand what I was going through and that it was real. And she wanted a sane family member to understand my illness and treatment, somebody besides my mother, she'd already met her. I also have several more pages of journaling to add. I debated whether to include them, but I think so because they are a part of this journey and I want it all recorded. I just happened to start blogging a month later. But I still want to catch up. Making an effort to do certain things everyday and know that I have a set number of months is good motivation for me. The time line is not set in stone. This project is the beginning of what I hope will become a lifelong habit of taking care of myself. My nephew just happens to be getting married in six months. At a minimum I do hope I will feel better about myself by November and be functioning better day to day.

I've been in therapy for years, but things have never been as dark as they have this last year. However three major things have happened in the last three months. 1) I was hospitalized in March, not by choice, I had overdosed and was having very dark thoughts about myself and had gotten to the end of my rope where I felt like I wanted to hit my mother. Not that I hadn't wanted to before, but I had gotten to the point where I didn't think I could control myself anymore. 2) In April I started reading "The Happiness Project". 3) In May my brother came to see my therapist with me. Being in the hospital was a low point, but also a turning point. Just the realization that I needed to work on my coping skills for dealing with depression, stress and anger was like a light bulb moment. Getting medication straight helped too. Having my brother's understanding took a great load off my mind. Finding a book to use as a guide on my own happiness journey has given me something concrete to use as a tool, to refer to and base my own plans on.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to do this. I'm not even sure what "this" is sometimes. I just know that things can not stay the same and I am willing to use whatever tools and resources I can find to help me, to motivate me, to encourage me.

Posted in: on Thursday, May 13, 2010 at at 1:27 PM 0 comments  

The last year.

Worrying about food and gas. Every month having to beg for toilet paper and kotex, cat litter and washing powders. Basic needs. No certainty of prescriptions or Dr’s appts. All I can do to get by day by day. Survival stress? Is that what you would call it? Day in and day out it builds up.

All the dirt, the dirty dishes in the fridge, she eats my food but won’t buy for me, can’t cook in the kitchen, can’t use oven, and she grooms in the kitchen, can’t stand her combs and brushes in kitchen drawer, can’t throw anything away, goes through trash, blocks doorways, narrows passageways, constantly complains about the computer, won’t treat the cats for fleas, won’t buy cat litter and they pee everywhere, sometimes she doesn’t buy them food for days, she doesn’t bathe and never washes her hands. Its just gross.

I want my brother to know what my illness is and how its treated. That medicine and Dr appts are must have, how important they are and I can’t do without. I want him to look at a budget and help me with mama. She acts like she can’t manage money. Want him to give me perspective because I can’t be objective. Help me see how other’s look at it. Tell me what I could be doing now that I’m not doing. It is very hard to say to someone that you have a mental illness. My mother is 80 years old and has never admitted there is anything wrong with her. Everybody else overlooks it now because she’s old, I’m the only that has to deal with it on a daily basis. I’ve already been judged enough. I don’t want to still be like this when I’m 80 or 60 or even 50. I can’t even imagine what things might be like in 5 years from now.

Feel like I’ll never be happy again, that I’m just worthless and it will never get any better. Sometimes can’t breath and chest is tight, can’t stop crying. Cry so much that tear ducts get infected. Can’t use Cpap when crying a lot. Cry so much I have sinus problems. I have such a hard time concentrating and can’t think straight. Can’t figure out simple computer problems, can’t follow plots on tv shows. Have to read something over and over again to comprehend it. Just typing this is difficult, have so many corrections.

Feel like I’m not good enough to be around anybody, but I know those judging me have done much worse. They have no compassion and judge other people too.

I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me. How could there not be? From the way people treated me since I was a little girl. Not that their treatment created it, they treated me bad because of it. I know different now, but those scars are deep. When I was 12 my mama and sister said I would never amount to anything, never have anything, never get a husband. --Hello I was “12”!!! From the time I was 8 Terry, Kay and Doris called me fat. Said so many times they didn’t want Shay to be fat like me. I was abused by various people and various ways my entire childhood. So how could there not be something wrong because of the way I was treated. I know that now, but can’t help feel that there was something wrong with me to begin with. A vicious loop I can’t get out of.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s hard enough just thinking that I am a worthy individual and that there is not something terribly wrong with me, but being stressed every day for over a year has just been too much. The pressures of worrying month to month for over a year about whether I can have the necessities of life has built up and taken its toll on me. I think that’s how I ended up in the hospital.

Posted in: on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at at 5:04 PM 0 comments  

I’m a very emotional person. I get my feelings hurt very easily and have a hard time controlling my emotions. I’ve never in my whole life had an emotional support system. Sometimes its so hard to just think that I’m worthy and deserve to have my feelings. That I deserve happiness. Been judged my whole life, problem child - juvenile delinquent - teenage whore - spoiled adult. I’ve had very few healthy relations in my life. I’ve been hurt tragically from a very young age. Betrayed by loved ones as a child, how am I supposed to learn healthy emotions? How can I develop healthy emotions that lead to healthy relationships?

Abused from 6-16 by my mother. Molested by Uncle 11-15. I had no childhood.
Denied my niece at 15, called nigger lover. Betrayed and hurt terribly by whole family just because I cared for someone that was a different color.
Violated at 17, then ‘lived’ for my nephew. Kept him at least 8 hrs a day for more than a year. Niece born 10 mo after him. Treated them both like they were my own. Took them everywhere.
Went to Guilford Tech, sister and sister-in-law for some reason resented daddy paying for my schooling. I don’t know about my brother, but he offered to send my sister to school if she would postpone getting married. Both brother and sister married high school sweet hearts, probably just to get out of the house. What happened to my brother by accident I have wanted desperately and haven’t been able to attain. I wasn’t allowed, I had to leave mine at the alter. Then my next relationship at 19 I obsessed over that broken heart, but still had my niece and nephew. Then at 25 I was denied my nephew for 2 years. I had bought a car from my brother that my dad signed for him to get to help him with his credit. In his name, I made payments and ins. Kay thought my brother was cheating on her and wanted me to drive her and her mother in my car to the beach to look for him. Said car wasn’t mine and she’d take it anyway. So my dad told me it was best that not let these two “nuts” go off alone in my car. Doris was just ranting the whole time “That son of a bitch”. After this I asked Bobby to put car in my name. I found out amount owed on car was not what he’d told me. Daddy even went to bank with me. Bobby refused. So daddy said park the car. This was Feb 89. In Jan I found Kay was slapping Shay around and confronted Bobby about it. So there was already a rift started. Kay said I was taking food out of her children’s mouths by parking that car. It was a big mess and I was devastated. Not allowed to see Robby and Shay for 2 years. I don’t think Bobby ever realized that he was also denying me Robby and Renee together for 2 years. Renee would ask me over and over where’s Robby? why can’t Robby come over and spend the night? Why can’t Robby come with us? Etc. I had a break down.
Reunited in 91. Shay ran away from home and Kay called Betty to get me to call her, thought I could find her because I was in law enforcement. Shay just had enough, was at her fiancés. Mother’s day 91 had them all to my apt. Robby and Renee played first time there in over 2 years. They didn’t miss a beat. (mama told me only reason they were being nice to me was to get graduation and wedding presents) On 4th of July first time mama and daddy saw all three children together in over 2 years. Shay got married July 6th, week later the 13th Renee and Michelle in wreck. Renee in coma, everybody devastated. Sept 26th 91 last time I had sex. Oct 92 new job at Sheriff’s office. Shay had Brent in Nov. I was afraid to get too close. I was scared to get too attached to him. I only got to take him off one time when he was little. I was turned down 100’s of times. Turned down over 50 times Brittney’s first year and not even invited to her 1st birthday party.
April 96 went on trip with brother and sister. Supposed to be going to Aunt and Uncle’s 50th Wedding anniversary, but went to beach instead. I had been looking forward to this reunion/anniversary for months. I was supposed to drive mama and daddy, and me and mama were going to buy party dresses at the Columbia Mall. Last minute mama changed her mind, so daddy couldn’t go either. Went with Bobby/Kay Robby, Shay Betty/Terry, Michelle Renee. I was lied to. Mama and daddy telling me good bye and have a good time with Aunt Dot and Uncle Jim. Bobby and Betty say plans changed to beach before we left and mama and daddy knew. Who do I believe? Who’s lying to me? My mama and daddy or my brother and sister? I wanted to get away from them so bad that I took a taxi to Wilmington in the middle of the night and flew home the next morning. I was on new medication at the time.

June 96 quit job to go back to school to learn computers.
July-Aug very depressed. Sept started ECPI. Dec went to New Horizon’s learning center. Started working there in Jan 97. Worked there until May.
April 97 had move out of townhouse that I’d lived in for 10 years. Didn’t want to buy it because Renee couldn’t get upstairs. But she still spent nights with me, we’d make a pallet on the floor.
Summer of 97 didn’t work, went back to taking classes. Took out retirement money to live off of. Spent a lot of time with my friend Mariann who wasn’t working due to injury. I would later come to cherish this time.
Also start of a relationship that I thought would blossom, but didn’t.
Dec Renee told me that Shannon touched her. Talked to mama and daddy and the SO Chaplain. What to do? Mama said stay out of it because she knew how Betty would react. Daddy said do whatever the Chaplain said. Betty denied it, brought back memories of mama calling me a liar. Betty blamed me. I just had a break down, no one to lean on.
98 - bad relationship and I obsessed about it. Still grieving about Renee. New Job.
99 - bad relationship, obsessed about but not as much. Another new job. Nice job, got to travel.
2000 worked and traveled, moved into very nice apt. (invited Shay and Brent over for 2 years, didn’t come)
2001 Mariann died. Worked 80 hrs week, traveled as much as possible.
Nov 2002 daddy broke his hip. I took family leave, stayed with him at hospital. Brother had to clear path for him to come home. Bobby redid bathroom floor and put in grab bars. I bought new toilet.
Dec Brittney born.
March 2003 resigned. Started moving stuff home.
May 30 moved home. Took 6 months to get 1 drawer of space.
2004 Gave 401k to daddy. May Blaine born. Aug daddy had surgery and rehab, I stayed with him. Supposed to come home to recoup at brother’s but mom and sister have a hissy fit.
2005 Gave retirement to daddy. no ins so stopped Provigil.
2006 Got samples of Provigil through NORD PA.
2007 got samples sporadically. Nov new medicine for Bipolar - Lithium. Referred for sleep study. Dec daddy hurt his back, Surgery - started using walker, 2 trips to Prime Care, 2 to ER.
Jan-March 2008 X-rays, tests and pain clinic.
April 14 Hospital surgery - rehab, I stayed with him. 2 nurses asked if I had sleep apnea.
May Sleep study consultation. Over the next two weeks daddy got sick, infection, another surgery, moved to TCU - Dr. wrote order for me to stay with him. Next morning couldn’t revive him, moved to ICU.
At some point Michelle came and stole his medicine. She and her mother both wore new dresses at funeral.
June 11 passed in Palliative Care. Feel like my heart caved in and my security blanket stripped away.
July (april-july) no samples, going generic? Wait and see. Got wk sample, wait till Jan for Patient assist.
Sept 4 Sleep Study - severe sleep apnea interfering with heart rate.
Sept 16 Picked up CPAP equip
Oct 9 Follow up sleep clinic, got 4 wk samples.

Jan 2009 No more patient assist. New medicine, cheaper but has side effects. 1 month to figure out dosage.
Dextroamphetamine for narcolepsy
Celexa for depression
Lithium for Bipolar
Klonopin for anxiety
CPAP
Blood pressure medicine

Everything’s being treated, want to go back to work. As soon as I start talking about going back mama quits buying groceries. She quit buying groceries regularly, no toilet paper or distilled water. Won’t get gas.
Feb - no groceries, toilet paper or distilled water. Won’t buy washing powders. Cancels a Dr’s appt. I have a break down.
March - no toilet paper or distilled water. Need new cpap mask. Quit buying cat litter. Won’t refill prescriptions.
Family blames me for taking advantage of her.
April 16 Follow up Sleep Clinic. $5 for gas. Say mask may last a little longer, but has to be replaced when it leaks. Dr at Sleep clinic and in HP recommend seeking assistance from social services.
May nothing but ice cream, cookies, instant grits and ramen noodles. May 28 had not eaten in 3 days called DSS - Ruth directed me to Crisis Control. Gave me toilet paper and 2 bags of groceries.
June 1 appt with Crisis Control - helped me with groceries, but can’t anymore because mother won’t cooperate I can’t get proof of crisis letters.
June 16 applied for food stamps. Mama still not buying any groceries, but junk food.
Family judgmental toward me.
July still not buying toilet paper or cat litter regularly and won’t get cats treated for fleas.
August - Seratonin Syndrome - very sick, Dr. said I could have died.
Sept hateful emails from Shay. OD
Oct Depressed at Halloween, didn’t go see kids.
Nov Didn’t go to Thanksgiving. OD
Dec Thiothixene - mood stabilizer

Jan 2010 through March started taking 3-4 klonopin several times a week just to put me out.
(end of Dec - March on period all but 10 days and mama won’t buy any kotex or toilet paper) No cat litter for over a month, started peeing on carpet. I cleaned as best I could and asked mama if we could take up carpet. She said yes, then after cats peed on it 3-4 more days she changed her mind. So now I can’t get the smell out. After a year of this can’t deal with it anymore, OD and go in the hospital. Nobody understands that I am struggling just to get by and survive day by day.

April coming out of it somewhat. Trying to cope one incident at a time. Working on coping with anger and depression. Serenity prayer.

May trying to do better each day. Applied for food stamps again. Reading The Happiness Project. Thinking of starting my own “Get my life back project”. Even though still getting by day by day I am trying to incorporate daily and long term goals. Some are so simple they sound stupid, but I have a hard time completing them. Take medicine everyday and use cpap. Bathe daily and brush teeth. Drink more water and move more. I’ve lost 23lbs. Go outside every day. In the next month declutter my bedroom and clean out my car. Start back reading the bible, have some type of focus on my faith. Finish easel that I started 4 years ago for the kids. A major goal is find a well fitting bra. Six month goal would be to get ready for my nephew’s wedding and find a nice dress.

Many times I’ve been betrayed by, lied to and judged by my family. Almost a pattern, need to change the way I respond to it. I’ve hit rock bottom and have no pride anymore. I don’t have anything else left to lose. So I just need to cope with the situation I’m in now and concentrate on moving up, not getting sucked down by what other’s think.

Posted in: on at at 5:03 PM 0 comments  

When I think of my dad, I smile. I am fortunate to have so many happy memories. When I think o f my grandparents I smile. When I see pictures of daddy, grandma and granddaddy I smile real big. I loved them so much and I know they loved me. They loved me unconditionally. They didn’t ask for anything in return. They just expected common decency and courtesy. They made no demands, put no conditions on their affection. I think of all the happy times I had with Mariann and I’m grateful for so many wonderful memories. I have tons of true heart warming soul inspiring memories that I will cherish forever. I retain these past events and experiences at the forefront of my mind because mostly for now all my happiness resides in the past. While aware of being in survival mode and not really moving forward it is all I can do to focus on my coping skills. To not lose my temper because we have no toilet paper or after having mopped up cat pee for the 6th time because of no litter. To not panic because at the ATM mama’s checking account only shows $29 and savings less than $5000. She forgot where her money was again. Forgot she still had money in another bank.. It’s all I can do to not snap at her when she complains about something on her brand new pc she spent $400 on while she keeps throwing up to me that my new prescription costs $165. (I have since found a pharmacy where I can get it for $75 plus I think I may ask Dr. Love about decreasing the dosage because I am on edge all the time and very much agitated. Everything gets on my nerves. Little things like commercials and loud sounds. I’m still angry that mama won’t by flea treatment for the cats. One of the few comforts I have, my cat Baser has slept with me for 15 years until this past year. What I am going around the bend to get at is that in the here and now there is no joy for me and anything that makes me happy has some kind of condition or suffering or some other factor attached to it. I’m excited about my nephew Robby’s wedding Nov 20th, but worry there will still be a strain between me and Shay. I’ve lost almost 20lbs. I got to thinking about needing a dress and new shoes to wear to the wedding. The dress I want costs almost $500 and the shoes $80 so I need to start saving now. I also thought that I want to look good. When Robby was born I had ballooned up to 300lbs after being raped, the heaviest I’d ever been. I want to dance with him and I want him to be proud to be seen with me. I also know that I can lose weight and get in better shape than my sister or niece. I know its petty, but these days I’ll take my motivation from wherever it comes. I know the right frame of mind would be to do it for my own sake, but maybe I can fake it till I make it.

Sunday my brother brought my nephew with him while he mowed the grass. The first place Blaine came to was my room. I had been asleep, but when I saw his smiling face and heard him calling my name and saying over and over again “I just came to see you” I got a burst of energy and went outside to play with him. We played ball, we swang, I read a new book to him. We played on the bridge daddy had built over the creek in the back yard. We talked and talked. He’s six years old. Then his grammy showed up to take him home. He said over and over again he wanted to stay. Miracle, she let him. He then gathered some sticks to take home with him for his papa to build a fire with in the tall fire thing (a Chiminea I won for daddy in a contest by the way)the old papa had given him.. He loaded them up on the lawnmower and told his papa that he couldn’t forget his book and went running off to get it. He had it opened when he walked back up, to a page where I had taped a four leaf clover I’d found. I’d written the date and that it was found in Gramma and Papa’s yard. He was so proud and I was so happy. One thing I know that makes me happy is to make other people happy. I need that feedback,, that recognition and I get so little of it these days.

Daddy, Grandma and Grandaddy Campbell, Grandaddy Branch, my friend Ben, Aunt Sara, Aunt Miriam, Cousin Jimmy, June, Mariann, Mariann’s mama, Aunt Dot. All these people I loved very much and they loved me. They made me happy. These were not ‘people of the lie‘, they were true and genuine. They didn’t judge, if they scolded it was in love. They didn’t put anyone down, they wanted the best for everyone. These are the people I want to be like, not like mama and Betty. But as much as they mean to me and as precious as the memories are they are all in the past. In the present I have my brother, my friends Brianna and Diane, my nephews Robby and Brent, niece Renee and the little ones Brittney and Blaine. That makes me feel good to write this down, I have more people to love than I thought. Definitely more positive people than negative like mama, Betty, Shay and Kay. I am doing much better coping day to day than I was. I haven’t had anymore thoughts of suicide. I believe being in the hospital was a turning point for me, like a right of passage that I got through to the other side. I still have my days where I just cry and cry and don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. I slept through most of last Fri, Sat and Sun till Blaine showed up. I am trying to focus on what I can do and how I can prepare for the future instead of agonizing over the fact that mama just is not going to change. I’ve changed my expectations of her. I’ve sort of put on blinders and try not to notice the dirt and trash in the kitchen, the blocked doorways and passageways, I’ve started just ignoring her most of the time when she complains about the computer, act like I didn’t hear her. I don’t beg her for toilet paper and cat litter, I just write it in big letters on the fridge. She doesn’t get it any faster, but I spend less time yelling about it and getting all tore up. I managed to change the linens on my bed this week, which used to be a weekly chore but doesn’t get done for months now. I finally used the new bedding and pillows I bought with my Amazon winnings last year. I made book labels for the kids. I’m reading a book called the Happiness Project. Just in general trying to stay in the present, if not happy and content at least not horribly depressed. Not dwelling in the past and trying not to worry about the uncertainty of the future.

Although I am coping better, this last year has taken its toll. Not the least of all being all the dark desperate thoughts of suicide and feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Worrying about food and gas. Last April and May going for days without eating. Every single month having to beg for toilet paper, cat litter and kotex. Begging for deodorant, washing powders and bleach. Worrying about getting the basic necessities of life. No certainty of having prescriptions filled or making Dr’s appts. All I can do to get by day by day, its like the stress of survival mode day in and day out builds up. Being surrounded by dirt, Not being able to cook in the kitchen, dirty fridge, blocked doorways, narrow passageways due to junk,, her grooming in the kitchen with combs and brushes in a kitchen drawer, the constant complaints about the computer, cats having fleas etc… I terribly painfully extremely resent having to put up with this. Mostly I’m angry because daddy’s life could have been so much richer and I wasn’t able to make it better for him. I resent so much her making my life harder than it has to be. Some of it just pisses me off, why does she have to go through my trash? Her opening my mail or not giving it to me at all just about puts me over the edge.

When I got out of the hospital I said my goals were to get medications straight, work on coping skills for immediacy with stress, anger and depression. How to tell my family about my illness and how to tell mama things have got to change. I think the next step is the appt with my brother. I really need him in my corner. All I know to do is to make sure he knows what my illnesses are, what the treatment is, and how important my medication and Dr’s appts are. That they are not optional. Not something I can do without, like my sister thinks. This is where I need your help. I want him to know that this is for real, that I’m not making anything up and it is beyond my control. I’m doing the best I can. My ultimate goal is to go back to work,, get a place of my own and be a productive member of society. I really miss having a sense of purpose and self esteem. That just seems so far off right now. Mrs. Campbell also said I should give him her information as a contact person. I also think if he understands my situation better he can help me deal with mama. She acts like she can’t manage money and I know she doesn’t balance her check book, she’s never had too. I’ve created a budget I want him to look at. I think if my brother and I can have an understanding it will pave the way for me to deal better with other family members.

Posted in: on at at 4:59 PM 0 comments  

Let me tell you about my mother. She’s 80 years old, I’m 45 and I feel our time is running out. If we could become friends for even one year, would it make up for 4o years of the stress of abuse, indifference and strained tolerance. I think it would. I keep reminding myself that she can’t help it. But deep down inside I don’t believe that, I believe that she doesn’t want to help it. She doesn’t want to change, she doesn’t want help. She likes making other people miserable. For over a year I have had to do without or beg for the basic necessities of life. Not that I believe she is obligated to keeping me up, but in our particular circumstance I do believe I deserve so much better than this. I have put up with so much. Happiness has been sucked out of my life, my strength has been drained, my confidence crushed, my nerves wracked, my peace of mind reduced to rubble and my courage defeated. I have no honor or sense of self.

Will I ever get beyond that first memory of my mother beating me when I was six years old for getting her pink bedroom slippers dirty? Will I get past being that 6 year old little girl? Or the 7 year old she kidnapped and told that my daddy didn’t want me. Or the 8 year old little girl in my red, white and blue sailor bikini she called fat. When I was 9 my favorite toys, a cradle my grandaddy had made me and an art easel, disappeared and she told me my brother burned them. When I was 11 for reasons unknown to me to this day I was mean and abusive to my disabled cousin. When I was 12 years old she called me stupid. The 13 year old she blamed for her marital problems and made me strip in the kitchen in front of my grandmother because I was wearing my sister‘s shirt. When I was 14 I stayed up all night Christmas eve and cleaned the kitchen and family room. I washed every dish in the house. Swept, mopped, washed the windows, dusted. Sprayed the curtains with Lysol. I even baked Christmas goodies and decorated the kitchen table for the big day. I knew my daddy would be proud. What I didn’t know was that my mother would beat the hell out of me. Not exactly the gold star I was expecting for being the cleaning fairy. When I was 15 I still tried to love her and told her so. She pushed me away and told me I didn’t love anyone but myself. Same year she took me to the doc to make him tell her if I was still a virgin. When I was 16 she told my grandmother that if my boyfriend was anything himself he wouldn’t be having anything to do with me. But all of this, none of this would top or come close to when I was 17 and was raped and she called me a liar. Will I ever be able to jettison this baggage?

The following year I only remember my nephew. I babysat him 8+ hours a day every day, I baked cakes and taught children’s art classes for spending money. From 13-19 I worked at the Patch Work Shop, an art store owned by a friend June Tebault. She was a life saver. She was an artist and she encouraged me. She was the mother I wanted to have, sister and best friend too. My first mentor. She took care of me. I could talk to her, she was molested by her father and her mother denied it. She died in 1989 when I was 25 years old in school at Guilford College.

At 19 I started school at GTCC. I should have studied commercial art or architecture, but no I went into Law Enforcement. I wanted to work with juvenile delinquents because I had been labeled one myself. I don’t regret the direction I took because I met my best friend Mariann from 1983 until she died in 2001. I also met who I thought was the love of my life. Ironically he and Mariann shared the same birthday May 27th, she couldn’t stand him. He was actually my first real adult date for New Year’s Eve 1983. I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t allowed to have a normal teenage life of dating and friends and flirting. That is still one of the areas I feel retarded in. Although I had already had sex I would have satisfied with just kissing him forever. Less than a month after our first date, less than 6 mo after meeting him we had sex. I thought it was magical and I knew that night, also the same night I met his parents for the first time, awkward to say the least that this was a story to tell our grandkids one day. He asked me if I was a virgin. I clung to him like he was a life raft. I became jealous and obsessive. I don’t blame him now, knowing how I acted, but at the time I didn’t know any better. I thought I was damaged goods, I didn’t think I deserved to be treated any better. I’m 45 now and have never had a healthy normal relationship with a man.

I still want a husband, I want children. I want a family of my own. I want to be happy, healthy and a productive worthwhile human being.

I have learned one thing I didn’t know at 14, not to expect anything from my mother.

Posted in: on at at 4:56 PM 0 comments  

May June July Aug Sept Oct Nov Dec... I have these 7 months too...

• Get ready for my nephew's wedding in November. (Save for wedding present plus dress, shoes, bag and jewelry) I want to look stunning. He's the closest I'll ever have to my own child.
• Clean up bedroom & closet. Finally organize clothes. Organize desk/books.
• Clean out car.
• Finish artist's easel I started for little niece and nephew over 3 years ago.
• Do paperwork on time. Don't put off anything time sensitive.
• Read the Bible. Use the 10 min God exercise I found on the internet. Use color prayer ~ I have a book. Focus on spiritual growth.
• Some things I need to discipline myself to do everyday. Drink water, walk, exercise, take medicine, use cpap to sleep well, go outside, bathe, brush teeth.
• Eventually get a well fitting bra and new underwear.
• Therapy.

Posted in: on at at 4:32 PM 0 comments  

As I already said I started this journey over a month ago while I was reading a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. After she started her project she decided to start a blog. You can read about it here: http://www.happiness-project.com/ She even has a Happiness Project Toolbox. I had taken my therapist's advice about journaling and was reading about how to be happier. Written by one of her blog readers and on page 138 in her book is a passage that has really stuck with me. I don't know who wrote the following, but I thank them for it.

"I have had a difficult time these past few years and happiness was something I needed like water in a desert. I deliberately looked for EVERY LITTLE THING that might lift my mood, anything to get me through. One of the things I found was blogging. I practice yoga daily & meditate, which has provided great peace. I tend a vegetable garden, look after my family & pets, cook and search for books I love to read. I make art and keep a journal. On sunny days, I think "great" a good day to be outdoors and on a gray days I think "great" a good day to be indoors. It's all in your attitude. I choose to be happy, in spite of whatever drama that is going on in my life."

All of these things I used to love to do and I used to feel this way and I truly want to again. So my very own Blog seems like a good place to start or rather a good place to jump in.

Posted in: on at at 3:28 PM 0 comments  

I actually started this campaign a month ago, I just didn't know it and didn't have a name for it. My therapist had suggested that I set one small goal a day and that I start writing my history to help me deal with some issues. Shortly after this I started reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. She spent a year trying to learn how to be happier. I liked her idea of breaking the process down into months with specific tasks and goals. A sense of order appeals to me although I've never actually experienced it. Even starting my journey has not been orderly. I have been juggling in my head what I want to to, writing my history trying to heal my present while preparing for the future and timidly sketching out some goals. Some of my first posts will be 'out of order' in that they were actually written last month. And writing my history has certainly been 'out of order' because I just jump all over the place with my memories of places and times and ages. All in all though I feel this will be a timely if not orderly project that I need at this point in my life.

Posted in: on at at 2:29 PM 0 comments  

Inspired by Gretchen Rubin's 1 year Happiness Project, this is my 7 month "Get my life back project". In the next few months I hope to improve and renew my physical, mental and spiritual well being. This is an experiment that is most desperately needed and shamefully long overdue.

Posted in: on at at 2:13 PM 0 comments