Get My Life Back Project

I’m a very emotional person. I get my feelings hurt very easily and have a hard time controlling my emotions. I’ve never in my whole life had an emotional support system. Sometimes its so hard to just think that I’m worthy and deserve to have my feelings. That I deserve happiness. Been judged my whole life, problem child - juvenile delinquent - teenage whore - spoiled adult. I’ve had very few healthy relations in my life. I’ve been hurt tragically from a very young age. Betrayed by loved ones as a child, how am I supposed to learn healthy emotions? How can I develop healthy emotions that lead to healthy relationships?

Abused from 6-16 by my mother. Molested by Uncle 11-15. I had no childhood.
Denied my niece at 15, called nigger lover. Betrayed and hurt terribly by whole family just because I cared for someone that was a different color.
Violated at 17, then ‘lived’ for my nephew. Kept him at least 8 hrs a day for more than a year. Niece born 10 mo after him. Treated them both like they were my own. Took them everywhere.
Went to Guilford Tech, sister and sister-in-law for some reason resented daddy paying for my schooling. I don’t know about my brother, but he offered to send my sister to school if she would postpone getting married. Both brother and sister married high school sweet hearts, probably just to get out of the house. What happened to my brother by accident I have wanted desperately and haven’t been able to attain. I wasn’t allowed, I had to leave mine at the alter. Then my next relationship at 19 I obsessed over that broken heart, but still had my niece and nephew. Then at 25 I was denied my nephew for 2 years. I had bought a car from my brother that my dad signed for him to get to help him with his credit. In his name, I made payments and ins. Kay thought my brother was cheating on her and wanted me to drive her and her mother in my car to the beach to look for him. Said car wasn’t mine and she’d take it anyway. So my dad told me it was best that not let these two “nuts” go off alone in my car. Doris was just ranting the whole time “That son of a bitch”. After this I asked Bobby to put car in my name. I found out amount owed on car was not what he’d told me. Daddy even went to bank with me. Bobby refused. So daddy said park the car. This was Feb 89. In Jan I found Kay was slapping Shay around and confronted Bobby about it. So there was already a rift started. Kay said I was taking food out of her children’s mouths by parking that car. It was a big mess and I was devastated. Not allowed to see Robby and Shay for 2 years. I don’t think Bobby ever realized that he was also denying me Robby and Renee together for 2 years. Renee would ask me over and over where’s Robby? why can’t Robby come over and spend the night? Why can’t Robby come with us? Etc. I had a break down.
Reunited in 91. Shay ran away from home and Kay called Betty to get me to call her, thought I could find her because I was in law enforcement. Shay just had enough, was at her fiancés. Mother’s day 91 had them all to my apt. Robby and Renee played first time there in over 2 years. They didn’t miss a beat. (mama told me only reason they were being nice to me was to get graduation and wedding presents) On 4th of July first time mama and daddy saw all three children together in over 2 years. Shay got married July 6th, week later the 13th Renee and Michelle in wreck. Renee in coma, everybody devastated. Sept 26th 91 last time I had sex. Oct 92 new job at Sheriff’s office. Shay had Brent in Nov. I was afraid to get too close. I was scared to get too attached to him. I only got to take him off one time when he was little. I was turned down 100’s of times. Turned down over 50 times Brittney’s first year and not even invited to her 1st birthday party.
April 96 went on trip with brother and sister. Supposed to be going to Aunt and Uncle’s 50th Wedding anniversary, but went to beach instead. I had been looking forward to this reunion/anniversary for months. I was supposed to drive mama and daddy, and me and mama were going to buy party dresses at the Columbia Mall. Last minute mama changed her mind, so daddy couldn’t go either. Went with Bobby/Kay Robby, Shay Betty/Terry, Michelle Renee. I was lied to. Mama and daddy telling me good bye and have a good time with Aunt Dot and Uncle Jim. Bobby and Betty say plans changed to beach before we left and mama and daddy knew. Who do I believe? Who’s lying to me? My mama and daddy or my brother and sister? I wanted to get away from them so bad that I took a taxi to Wilmington in the middle of the night and flew home the next morning. I was on new medication at the time.

June 96 quit job to go back to school to learn computers.
July-Aug very depressed. Sept started ECPI. Dec went to New Horizon’s learning center. Started working there in Jan 97. Worked there until May.
April 97 had move out of townhouse that I’d lived in for 10 years. Didn’t want to buy it because Renee couldn’t get upstairs. But she still spent nights with me, we’d make a pallet on the floor.
Summer of 97 didn’t work, went back to taking classes. Took out retirement money to live off of. Spent a lot of time with my friend Mariann who wasn’t working due to injury. I would later come to cherish this time.
Also start of a relationship that I thought would blossom, but didn’t.
Dec Renee told me that Shannon touched her. Talked to mama and daddy and the SO Chaplain. What to do? Mama said stay out of it because she knew how Betty would react. Daddy said do whatever the Chaplain said. Betty denied it, brought back memories of mama calling me a liar. Betty blamed me. I just had a break down, no one to lean on.
98 - bad relationship and I obsessed about it. Still grieving about Renee. New Job.
99 - bad relationship, obsessed about but not as much. Another new job. Nice job, got to travel.
2000 worked and traveled, moved into very nice apt. (invited Shay and Brent over for 2 years, didn’t come)
2001 Mariann died. Worked 80 hrs week, traveled as much as possible.
Nov 2002 daddy broke his hip. I took family leave, stayed with him at hospital. Brother had to clear path for him to come home. Bobby redid bathroom floor and put in grab bars. I bought new toilet.
Dec Brittney born.
March 2003 resigned. Started moving stuff home.
May 30 moved home. Took 6 months to get 1 drawer of space.
2004 Gave 401k to daddy. May Blaine born. Aug daddy had surgery and rehab, I stayed with him. Supposed to come home to recoup at brother’s but mom and sister have a hissy fit.
2005 Gave retirement to daddy. no ins so stopped Provigil.
2006 Got samples of Provigil through NORD PA.
2007 got samples sporadically. Nov new medicine for Bipolar - Lithium. Referred for sleep study. Dec daddy hurt his back, Surgery - started using walker, 2 trips to Prime Care, 2 to ER.
Jan-March 2008 X-rays, tests and pain clinic.
April 14 Hospital surgery - rehab, I stayed with him. 2 nurses asked if I had sleep apnea.
May Sleep study consultation. Over the next two weeks daddy got sick, infection, another surgery, moved to TCU - Dr. wrote order for me to stay with him. Next morning couldn’t revive him, moved to ICU.
At some point Michelle came and stole his medicine. She and her mother both wore new dresses at funeral.
June 11 passed in Palliative Care. Feel like my heart caved in and my security blanket stripped away.
July (april-july) no samples, going generic? Wait and see. Got wk sample, wait till Jan for Patient assist.
Sept 4 Sleep Study - severe sleep apnea interfering with heart rate.
Sept 16 Picked up CPAP equip
Oct 9 Follow up sleep clinic, got 4 wk samples.

Jan 2009 No more patient assist. New medicine, cheaper but has side effects. 1 month to figure out dosage.
Dextroamphetamine for narcolepsy
Celexa for depression
Lithium for Bipolar
Klonopin for anxiety
CPAP
Blood pressure medicine

Everything’s being treated, want to go back to work. As soon as I start talking about going back mama quits buying groceries. She quit buying groceries regularly, no toilet paper or distilled water. Won’t get gas.
Feb - no groceries, toilet paper or distilled water. Won’t buy washing powders. Cancels a Dr’s appt. I have a break down.
March - no toilet paper or distilled water. Need new cpap mask. Quit buying cat litter. Won’t refill prescriptions.
Family blames me for taking advantage of her.
April 16 Follow up Sleep Clinic. $5 for gas. Say mask may last a little longer, but has to be replaced when it leaks. Dr at Sleep clinic and in HP recommend seeking assistance from social services.
May nothing but ice cream, cookies, instant grits and ramen noodles. May 28 had not eaten in 3 days called DSS - Ruth directed me to Crisis Control. Gave me toilet paper and 2 bags of groceries.
June 1 appt with Crisis Control - helped me with groceries, but can’t anymore because mother won’t cooperate I can’t get proof of crisis letters.
June 16 applied for food stamps. Mama still not buying any groceries, but junk food.
Family judgmental toward me.
July still not buying toilet paper or cat litter regularly and won’t get cats treated for fleas.
August - Seratonin Syndrome - very sick, Dr. said I could have died.
Sept hateful emails from Shay. OD
Oct Depressed at Halloween, didn’t go see kids.
Nov Didn’t go to Thanksgiving. OD
Dec Thiothixene - mood stabilizer

Jan 2010 through March started taking 3-4 klonopin several times a week just to put me out.
(end of Dec - March on period all but 10 days and mama won’t buy any kotex or toilet paper) No cat litter for over a month, started peeing on carpet. I cleaned as best I could and asked mama if we could take up carpet. She said yes, then after cats peed on it 3-4 more days she changed her mind. So now I can’t get the smell out. After a year of this can’t deal with it anymore, OD and go in the hospital. Nobody understands that I am struggling just to get by and survive day by day.

April coming out of it somewhat. Trying to cope one incident at a time. Working on coping with anger and depression. Serenity prayer.

May trying to do better each day. Applied for food stamps again. Reading The Happiness Project. Thinking of starting my own “Get my life back project”. Even though still getting by day by day I am trying to incorporate daily and long term goals. Some are so simple they sound stupid, but I have a hard time completing them. Take medicine everyday and use cpap. Bathe daily and brush teeth. Drink more water and move more. I’ve lost 23lbs. Go outside every day. In the next month declutter my bedroom and clean out my car. Start back reading the bible, have some type of focus on my faith. Finish easel that I started 4 years ago for the kids. A major goal is find a well fitting bra. Six month goal would be to get ready for my nephew’s wedding and find a nice dress.

Many times I’ve been betrayed by, lied to and judged by my family. Almost a pattern, need to change the way I respond to it. I’ve hit rock bottom and have no pride anymore. I don’t have anything else left to lose. So I just need to cope with the situation I’m in now and concentrate on moving up, not getting sucked down by what other’s think.

Posted in: on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at at 5:03 PM