Floundering
I'm not exactly sliding backward, but feel as though I'm floundering around a bit, not sure what to do next. Not meeting all my daily goals, but more than half. Not lost anymore weight, but not gained any back either. All the memories that journaling has stirred up are still circling like storm clouds, not sure how to deal with them. Still haven't talked to therapist about them yet, our last session centered around my brother being there because I wanted somebody to know and understand what I was going through and that it was real. And she wanted a sane family member to understand my illness and treatment, somebody besides my mother, she'd already met her. I also have several more pages of journaling to add. I debated whether to include them, but I think so because they are a part of this journey and I want it all recorded. I just happened to start blogging a month later. But I still want to catch up. Making an effort to do certain things everyday and know that I have a set number of months is good motivation for me. The time line is not set in stone. This project is the beginning of what I hope will become a lifelong habit of taking care of myself. My nephew just happens to be getting married in six months. At a minimum I do hope I will feel better about myself by November and be functioning better day to day.
I've been in therapy for years, but things have never been as dark as they have this last year. However three major things have happened in the last three months. 1) I was hospitalized in March, not by choice, I had overdosed and was having very dark thoughts about myself and had gotten to the end of my rope where I felt like I wanted to hit my mother. Not that I hadn't wanted to before, but I had gotten to the point where I didn't think I could control myself anymore. 2) In April I started reading "The Happiness Project". 3) In May my brother came to see my therapist with me. Being in the hospital was a low point, but also a turning point. Just the realization that I needed to work on my coping skills for dealing with depression, stress and anger was like a light bulb moment. Getting medication straight helped too. Having my brother's understanding took a great load off my mind. Finding a book to use as a guide on my own happiness journey has given me something concrete to use as a tool, to refer to and base my own plans on.
I don't think there is any right or wrong way to do this. I'm not even sure what "this" is sometimes. I just know that things can not stay the same and I am willing to use whatever tools and resources I can find to help me, to motivate me, to encourage me.
Posted in: on Thursday, May 13, 2010 at at 1:27 PM
