Get My Life Back Project

When I think of my dad, I smile. I am fortunate to have so many happy memories. When I think o f my grandparents I smile. When I see pictures of daddy, grandma and granddaddy I smile real big. I loved them so much and I know they loved me. They loved me unconditionally. They didn’t ask for anything in return. They just expected common decency and courtesy. They made no demands, put no conditions on their affection. I think of all the happy times I had with Mariann and I’m grateful for so many wonderful memories. I have tons of true heart warming soul inspiring memories that I will cherish forever. I retain these past events and experiences at the forefront of my mind because mostly for now all my happiness resides in the past. While aware of being in survival mode and not really moving forward it is all I can do to focus on my coping skills. To not lose my temper because we have no toilet paper or after having mopped up cat pee for the 6th time because of no litter. To not panic because at the ATM mama’s checking account only shows $29 and savings less than $5000. She forgot where her money was again. Forgot she still had money in another bank.. It’s all I can do to not snap at her when she complains about something on her brand new pc she spent $400 on while she keeps throwing up to me that my new prescription costs $165. (I have since found a pharmacy where I can get it for $75 plus I think I may ask Dr. Love about decreasing the dosage because I am on edge all the time and very much agitated. Everything gets on my nerves. Little things like commercials and loud sounds. I’m still angry that mama won’t by flea treatment for the cats. One of the few comforts I have, my cat Baser has slept with me for 15 years until this past year. What I am going around the bend to get at is that in the here and now there is no joy for me and anything that makes me happy has some kind of condition or suffering or some other factor attached to it. I’m excited about my nephew Robby’s wedding Nov 20th, but worry there will still be a strain between me and Shay. I’ve lost almost 20lbs. I got to thinking about needing a dress and new shoes to wear to the wedding. The dress I want costs almost $500 and the shoes $80 so I need to start saving now. I also thought that I want to look good. When Robby was born I had ballooned up to 300lbs after being raped, the heaviest I’d ever been. I want to dance with him and I want him to be proud to be seen with me. I also know that I can lose weight and get in better shape than my sister or niece. I know its petty, but these days I’ll take my motivation from wherever it comes. I know the right frame of mind would be to do it for my own sake, but maybe I can fake it till I make it.

Sunday my brother brought my nephew with him while he mowed the grass. The first place Blaine came to was my room. I had been asleep, but when I saw his smiling face and heard him calling my name and saying over and over again “I just came to see you” I got a burst of energy and went outside to play with him. We played ball, we swang, I read a new book to him. We played on the bridge daddy had built over the creek in the back yard. We talked and talked. He’s six years old. Then his grammy showed up to take him home. He said over and over again he wanted to stay. Miracle, she let him. He then gathered some sticks to take home with him for his papa to build a fire with in the tall fire thing (a Chiminea I won for daddy in a contest by the way)the old papa had given him.. He loaded them up on the lawnmower and told his papa that he couldn’t forget his book and went running off to get it. He had it opened when he walked back up, to a page where I had taped a four leaf clover I’d found. I’d written the date and that it was found in Gramma and Papa’s yard. He was so proud and I was so happy. One thing I know that makes me happy is to make other people happy. I need that feedback,, that recognition and I get so little of it these days.

Daddy, Grandma and Grandaddy Campbell, Grandaddy Branch, my friend Ben, Aunt Sara, Aunt Miriam, Cousin Jimmy, June, Mariann, Mariann’s mama, Aunt Dot. All these people I loved very much and they loved me. They made me happy. These were not ‘people of the lie‘, they were true and genuine. They didn’t judge, if they scolded it was in love. They didn’t put anyone down, they wanted the best for everyone. These are the people I want to be like, not like mama and Betty. But as much as they mean to me and as precious as the memories are they are all in the past. In the present I have my brother, my friends Brianna and Diane, my nephews Robby and Brent, niece Renee and the little ones Brittney and Blaine. That makes me feel good to write this down, I have more people to love than I thought. Definitely more positive people than negative like mama, Betty, Shay and Kay. I am doing much better coping day to day than I was. I haven’t had anymore thoughts of suicide. I believe being in the hospital was a turning point for me, like a right of passage that I got through to the other side. I still have my days where I just cry and cry and don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. I slept through most of last Fri, Sat and Sun till Blaine showed up. I am trying to focus on what I can do and how I can prepare for the future instead of agonizing over the fact that mama just is not going to change. I’ve changed my expectations of her. I’ve sort of put on blinders and try not to notice the dirt and trash in the kitchen, the blocked doorways and passageways, I’ve started just ignoring her most of the time when she complains about the computer, act like I didn’t hear her. I don’t beg her for toilet paper and cat litter, I just write it in big letters on the fridge. She doesn’t get it any faster, but I spend less time yelling about it and getting all tore up. I managed to change the linens on my bed this week, which used to be a weekly chore but doesn’t get done for months now. I finally used the new bedding and pillows I bought with my Amazon winnings last year. I made book labels for the kids. I’m reading a book called the Happiness Project. Just in general trying to stay in the present, if not happy and content at least not horribly depressed. Not dwelling in the past and trying not to worry about the uncertainty of the future.

Although I am coping better, this last year has taken its toll. Not the least of all being all the dark desperate thoughts of suicide and feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Worrying about food and gas. Last April and May going for days without eating. Every single month having to beg for toilet paper, cat litter and kotex. Begging for deodorant, washing powders and bleach. Worrying about getting the basic necessities of life. No certainty of having prescriptions filled or making Dr’s appts. All I can do to get by day by day, its like the stress of survival mode day in and day out builds up. Being surrounded by dirt, Not being able to cook in the kitchen, dirty fridge, blocked doorways, narrow passageways due to junk,, her grooming in the kitchen with combs and brushes in a kitchen drawer, the constant complaints about the computer, cats having fleas etc… I terribly painfully extremely resent having to put up with this. Mostly I’m angry because daddy’s life could have been so much richer and I wasn’t able to make it better for him. I resent so much her making my life harder than it has to be. Some of it just pisses me off, why does she have to go through my trash? Her opening my mail or not giving it to me at all just about puts me over the edge.

When I got out of the hospital I said my goals were to get medications straight, work on coping skills for immediacy with stress, anger and depression. How to tell my family about my illness and how to tell mama things have got to change. I think the next step is the appt with my brother. I really need him in my corner. All I know to do is to make sure he knows what my illnesses are, what the treatment is, and how important my medication and Dr’s appts are. That they are not optional. Not something I can do without, like my sister thinks. This is where I need your help. I want him to know that this is for real, that I’m not making anything up and it is beyond my control. I’m doing the best I can. My ultimate goal is to go back to work,, get a place of my own and be a productive member of society. I really miss having a sense of purpose and self esteem. That just seems so far off right now. Mrs. Campbell also said I should give him her information as a contact person. I also think if he understands my situation better he can help me deal with mama. She acts like she can’t manage money and I know she doesn’t balance her check book, she’s never had too. I’ve created a budget I want him to look at. I think if my brother and I can have an understanding it will pave the way for me to deal better with other family members.

Posted in: on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at at 4:59 PM