Build Up (written April 27th)
The last year.
Worrying about food and gas. Every month having to beg for toilet paper and kotex, cat litter and washing powders. Basic needs. No certainty of prescriptions or Dr’s appts. All I can do to get by day by day. Survival stress? Is that what you would call it? Day in and day out it builds up.
All the dirt, the dirty dishes in the fridge, she eats my food but won’t buy for me, can’t cook in the kitchen, can’t use oven, and she grooms in the kitchen, can’t stand her combs and brushes in kitchen drawer, can’t throw anything away, goes through trash, blocks doorways, narrows passageways, constantly complains about the computer, won’t treat the cats for fleas, won’t buy cat litter and they pee everywhere, sometimes she doesn’t buy them food for days, she doesn’t bathe and never washes her hands. Its just gross.
I want my brother to know what my illness is and how its treated. That medicine and Dr appts are must have, how important they are and I can’t do without. I want him to look at a budget and help me with mama. She acts like she can’t manage money. Want him to give me perspective because I can’t be objective. Help me see how other’s look at it. Tell me what I could be doing now that I’m not doing. It is very hard to say to someone that you have a mental illness. My mother is 80 years old and has never admitted there is anything wrong with her. Everybody else overlooks it now because she’s old, I’m the only that has to deal with it on a daily basis. I’ve already been judged enough. I don’t want to still be like this when I’m 80 or 60 or even 50. I can’t even imagine what things might be like in 5 years from now.
Feel like I’ll never be happy again, that I’m just worthless and it will never get any better. Sometimes can’t breath and chest is tight, can’t stop crying. Cry so much that tear ducts get infected. Can’t use Cpap when crying a lot. Cry so much I have sinus problems. I have such a hard time concentrating and can’t think straight. Can’t figure out simple computer problems, can’t follow plots on tv shows. Have to read something over and over again to comprehend it. Just typing this is difficult, have so many corrections.
Feel like I’m not good enough to be around anybody, but I know those judging me have done much worse. They have no compassion and judge other people too.
I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me. How could there not be? From the way people treated me since I was a little girl. Not that their treatment created it, they treated me bad because of it. I know different now, but those scars are deep. When I was 12 my mama and sister said I would never amount to anything, never have anything, never get a husband. --Hello I was “12”!!! From the time I was 8 Terry, Kay and Doris called me fat. Said so many times they didn’t want Shay to be fat like me. I was abused by various people and various ways my entire childhood. So how could there not be something wrong because of the way I was treated. I know that now, but can’t help feel that there was something wrong with me to begin with. A vicious loop I can’t get out of.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s hard enough just thinking that I am a worthy individual and that there is not something terribly wrong with me, but being stressed every day for over a year has just been too much. The pressures of worrying month to month for over a year about whether I can have the necessities of life has built up and taken its toll on me. I think that’s how I ended up in the hospital.
Posted in: on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at at 5:04 PM
